Thursday, December 29, 2011

People wait their whole lives to see an ex when things are going really good.

I have ex-boyfriends. I'm still friends with some of them. Recently I saw an episode of a sitcom in which the main character proclaims in infinite wisdom, "Never invite an ex to your wedding!" He even goes so far as to not invite his, currently still good friends with, ex. How many of us still have this kind of relationship with a serious ex boyfriend or girlfriend?

A year ago I would have called one of my exes almost a "best" friend, but, like most ex/ex relationships, it went one of three ways. There are three possible endings for you and an ex: a) you stay friends until one of you meets someone meaningful and then drift, b) you don't stay friends, c) you get back together and it ends happily or badly.

OK, some of you might be saying to yourselves, "What about the 'friends with benefits' route?" One of the only reasons you have sex with an ex, is because, if you're being honest with yourself, there are unresolved feelings. If it's not on your side, it's probably on his side then, but it's probably your side.

So, what about staying friends? "I'm SUPER good friends with MY ex!" Well, are you single? If you answered no, then you qualify for stage 1, and haven't met someone better yet. If you answered yes, and are seeing someone and you're still BEST friends with your ex, then you have a very patient significant other, who unfortunately isn't significant enough for you to drift from your ex. Bummer, sorry.

Maybe it's not that black and white, these days where communication is running rampant, we are finding more gray areas with the relationships in our life. The exes that are still in my life are guys that I found very easy to talk to. They are in my life in a Christmas card capacity, mainly because of distance, but ultimately, since getting serious with A, our friendships have dissipated a bit.

How many of our exes do we keep around because of the possibility of "what if?" You enjoy spending time with them, talking with them, but for whatever reason, it never worked out. It's hard to let those people go if the relationship didn't end on a sour note. Besides, as humans, don't we love to try to play fortune teller and predict, what if? It's kind of exciting to see the varying paths our life can take. So much of that path can depend on the people we date, or dated.

Going back to the fundamental question, "should you invite your ex to a wedding?" My theory takes a slightly different, more optimistic turn. In the episode I watched, the bride wasn't over her ex, which is why she avoided him. So maybe being able to confidently invite an ex to your wedding shows the level of your commitment to your husband/wife. So maybe you aren't the best of friends, but if you have an ex in your life that you speak with enough to call them a friend, why not invite them to your wedding? If it's for any reason other than getting an extra present or for friendly support, then maybe you should be re-evaluating your current relationship.

Exes might serve as a helpful barometer for your current relationship. There's always that one ex that might get under your skin, but, if you are truly happy with the relationship you are currently in, then eventually you stop playing the "my girlfriend/boyfriend is hotter than you" game.

Although it's always more satisfying if you win that game. We're only human after all.


Title Quote from movie Music and Lyrics

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I'm addressing Christmas cards. Aren't they cute? Each one has a little bunny on it dressed up like a shepherd. Don't say I'm not religious!

I send out Christmas cards every year to friends and family. I'm sending a joint Christmas card out with my boyfriend this year. I always thought that was the kind of thing only married couples and families did, but, after a year of living together, 3 Christmases together, I asked him what he thought, and he thought it would be a nice idea. Great! Last year we received Christmas cards from couples who weren't married, so why not? Has the Christmas card commitment stigma changed? Besides, A is my family unit.

I remember a Friend's episode (it's a TV show if you didn't know) where the character Ross is dating a girl for a series of months, and during the Christmas season, she suggests that they send out Christmas cards together. Ross' hesitance sparks a larger conversation about "where the relationship is going" and the comment, "Married couples send out cards, couples dating for a couple of months do NOT send out cards." So in that respect, while a couple need not be married, the idea of sending a card out together, indicates a certain degree of commitment. After all you wouldn't want everyone on your Christmas card list to know how many non-serious relationships you are in, based on the different girl/guy you are smiling with in your annual Christmas card.

A and I often talk about the future, where we see ourselves, and while that future does include the proverbial ring, wedding, eventually a family, that future is not immediate. We both have a lot of work to do financially and emotionally before we are ready to make that kind of commitment. Once a couple reaches a certain age, the inevitable "when's it gonna happen" question begins to make it's way in to conversations. And, it's hard to give blaise reason "why not?"

Actually, it's kind of a personal question to ask a couple now that I think about it... usually I respond to it with a disparaging joke or quip. Or, another question... depending on my wit level is doing that day.

What I'm learning as I embark on this journey, is that there are no rules, only guidelines, based on what works best for you both. If you're ready to get married, if you're not, that doesn't mean anything about your relationship. Marriage is a huge decision. Why rush? What will really change anyways? Marriage doesn't guarentee a new set of happiness or even permanance. Not that I'm bashing the institution, but if you already feel secure in both of those things, then what's the problem? Marriage should be the house upon that already secure foundation. It shouldn't just be the next logical step or a bandaid to spice things up again. If that foundation is weak... well I think you get this building allegory well enough.

A and I always hope that no much will change, except maybe the last names that go on the Christmas cards. Maybe not even that!

So, back to addressing those cards then...


Title Quote from Charlie Brown Short Film