The Last One

I'm ending this chapter of my life. I got engaged and married. It's time to start a new chapter to my life, and I think this means a new blog. Thank you everyone who read and enjoyed my words of wisdom and stupidity. Hopefully, some of you will stick with me on a new journey: thebarmywife.blogspot.com.

Keep on dating, mating, and procreating internet-verse.

I believe in love, and second chances.

I already wrote this blog entry. It didn’t save and is now gone. Second time’s the charm? This is definitely another way to go with this narrative, but still I can’t help but feel a little resentful of having to do the exact same thing… again. It would be so much easier if I could just pick up where I left off on my last draft, and click the publish button. Yes, that would be much easier than completely retyping this entry. But, what if my first entry wasn’t really that great to begin with? Maybe this second entry is a time to improve upon the first draft, and really make it spectacular. So goes with second chance relationships.

If your relationship fails for whatever reason, even if this person could be the love of your life, you have to accept that it failed and reexamine. Did it fail because of you? Your partner? Was there a betrayal involved? If so, can you forgive that betrayal? There really needs to be a cooling off period in between because, as you all are aware, it’s hard to see the cracks in the framework when you’re sitting in your cozy house. Love is the most blinding thing, and almost all of us will ignore those little red flags to keep the good stuff alive. The problem is those red flags could probably save you a whole lot of heart ache in the first place. Taking a step back once a relationship fails, is the only way to examine if it’s worth going back.

Taking time to be alone for a while is a very healthy exercise because it reminds you who you really are inside. Relationships, as I’ve said, can sometimes make you change, become a false-best version or a false-worst version. Seeing this takes time. Sometimes, years, in my case. Also, you can really think what you WANT out of a relationship, not just what you had.

If after this self-reflection period, you still feel like your relationship wasn’t given a fair shot, then that’s the point at which you’d try and start things up again. What you cannot do, is pick-up from where you left off. The relationship ended, for a reason, most likely, because of a faulty foundation. (I know, so many building allegories!) In order to give your second chance the best chance, you have to rebuild that foundation from scratch.

Now, obviously it’s not completely from scratch since you both know each other pretty well, but, pretend like you’re starting over. Go on a date, a “first date.” Treat this person as if you don’t really know them, because maybe you missed something along the way. In my opinion, that is the only way to truly start fresh. If you start in the middle of the relationship, how do you know if it’s really right? The middle of the relationship is always the most comfortable. Picking up your routine where you left off means you’re basically going through the motions. Maybe in the beginning it will feel like a whole new relationship, but, if you don’t take time to re-build your foundation, you’ll end up right back where you started. Broken up.

I know this opinion isn’t shared by everyone but, I know how much a break-up can change a person. I know how much a divorce or marital separation can change a person. It can take time to heal from the hurt and when you come out on the other side, you are rarely the same person who started. If you’re both different people, you can’t EVER pick up from the starting point. It’s easy to slip back in to old habits, even bad ones.

Sometimes divorce can be that clean slate you need to save a marriage. Not always, but, if a marriage ends, there was a problem so big it couldn’t be resolved. If it was my marriage, and it was completely beyond repair, I’d probably get divorced. If my ex-spouse wanted to give it another try, my first like would be, “Ask me out sometime. Maybe I’ll say yes.”

I think by giving this blog entry a clean-slate start, it’s even better than the first try. Sure, I remembered a lot of my points and puns from the first time, but by completely rewriting it, it has the best things from the first try, and some new better things this time around.

I believe in second chances, but I believe in giving them the same treatment at the first chance. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be even better the second time around.

Now, let me go save this thing before I have to give it a third go…


Title Quote from Grey's Anatomy

People wait their whole lives to see an ex when things are going really good.

I have ex-boyfriends. I'm still friends with some of them. Recently I saw an episode of a sitcom in which the main character proclaims in infinite wisdom, "Never invite an ex to your wedding!" He even goes so far as to not invite his, currently still good friends with, ex. How many of us still have this kind of relationship with a serious ex boyfriend or girlfriend?

A year ago I would have called one of my exes almost a "best" friend, but, like most ex/ex relationships, it went one of three ways. There are three possible endings for you and an ex: a) you stay friends until one of you meets someone meaningful and then drift, b) you don't stay friends, c) you get back together and it ends happily or badly.

OK, some of you might be saying to yourselves, "What about the 'friends with benefits' route?" One of the only reasons you have sex with an ex, is because, if you're being honest with yourself, there are unresolved feelings. If it's not on your side, it's probably on his side then, but it's probably your side.

So, what about staying friends? "I'm SUPER good friends with MY ex!" Well, are you single? If you answered no, then you qualify for stage 1, and haven't met someone better yet. If you answered yes, and are seeing someone and you're still BEST friends with your ex, then you have a very patient significant other, who unfortunately isn't significant enough for you to drift from your ex. Bummer, sorry.

Maybe it's not that black and white, these days where communication is running rampant, we are finding more gray areas with the relationships in our life. The exes that are still in my life are guys that I found very easy to talk to. They are in my life in a Christmas card capacity, mainly because of distance, but ultimately, since getting serious with A, our friendships have dissipated a bit.

How many of our exes do we keep around because of the possibility of "what if?" You enjoy spending time with them, talking with them, but for whatever reason, it never worked out. It's hard to let those people go if the relationship didn't end on a sour note. Besides, as humans, don't we love to try to play fortune teller and predict, what if? It's kind of exciting to see the varying paths our life can take. So much of that path can depend on the people we date, or dated.

Going back to the fundamental question, "should you invite your ex to a wedding?" My theory takes a slightly different, more optimistic turn. In the episode I watched, the bride wasn't over her ex, which is why she avoided him. So maybe being able to confidently invite an ex to your wedding shows the level of your commitment to your husband/wife. So maybe you aren't the best of friends, but if you have an ex in your life that you speak with enough to call them a friend, why not invite them to your wedding? If it's for any reason other than getting an extra present or for friendly support, then maybe you should be re-evaluating your current relationship.

Exes might serve as a helpful barometer for your current relationship. There's always that one ex that might get under your skin, but, if you are truly happy with the relationship you are currently in, then eventually you stop playing the "my girlfriend/boyfriend is hotter than you" game.

Although it's always more satisfying if you win that game. We're only human after all.


Title Quote from movie Music and Lyrics

I'm addressing Christmas cards. Aren't they cute? Each one has a little bunny on it dressed up like a shepherd. Don't say I'm not religious!

I send out Christmas cards every year to friends and family. I'm sending a joint Christmas card out with my boyfriend this year. I always thought that was the kind of thing only married couples and families did, but, after a year of living together, 3 Christmases together, I asked him what he thought, and he thought it would be a nice idea. Great! Last year we received Christmas cards from couples who weren't married, so why not? Has the Christmas card commitment stigma changed? Besides, A is my family unit.

I remember a Friend's episode (it's a TV show if you didn't know) where the character Ross is dating a girl for a series of months, and during the Christmas season, she suggests that they send out Christmas cards together. Ross' hesitance sparks a larger conversation about "where the relationship is going" and the comment, "Married couples send out cards, couples dating for a couple of months do NOT send out cards." So in that respect, while a couple need not be married, the idea of sending a card out together, indicates a certain degree of commitment. After all you wouldn't want everyone on your Christmas card list to know how many non-serious relationships you are in, based on the different girl/guy you are smiling with in your annual Christmas card.

A and I often talk about the future, where we see ourselves, and while that future does include the proverbial ring, wedding, eventually a family, that future is not immediate. We both have a lot of work to do financially and emotionally before we are ready to make that kind of commitment. Once a couple reaches a certain age, the inevitable "when's it gonna happen" question begins to make it's way in to conversations. And, it's hard to give blaise reason "why not?"

Actually, it's kind of a personal question to ask a couple now that I think about it... usually I respond to it with a disparaging joke or quip. Or, another question... depending on my wit level is doing that day.

What I'm learning as I embark on this journey, is that there are no rules, only guidelines, based on what works best for you both. If you're ready to get married, if you're not, that doesn't mean anything about your relationship. Marriage is a huge decision. Why rush? What will really change anyways? Marriage doesn't guarentee a new set of happiness or even permanance. Not that I'm bashing the institution, but if you already feel secure in both of those things, then what's the problem? Marriage should be the house upon that already secure foundation. It shouldn't just be the next logical step or a bandaid to spice things up again. If that foundation is weak... well I think you get this building allegory well enough.

A and I always hope that no much will change, except maybe the last names that go on the Christmas cards. Maybe not even that!

So, back to addressing those cards then...


Title Quote from Charlie Brown Short Film

Halloween is the One Night of the Year when Girls Can Dress Like a Total Slut and No Other Girls Can Say Anything About

I love Halloween. I have my costume planned. It's not slutty, it's fabulous! Last year I wanted to coordinate a costume with A, and it was pretty cute. We did a from-the-store costume run, he went as the Mad Hatter, and I was the March Hare. We even held teacups with our names on them. (These posts are getting sappy aren't they? I'm sorry, I have a cynical point in here I promise.)

THIS year, I thought it might be fun to both be Disney Villains... see that's much cooler, I knew you'd be on board. It didn't work out however, I will be riding the Disney Villian express solo. But that's okay. It occurred to me that often times, couples really do tend to conform to each others' lives in more than one way. (In this case, the not-so-serious costume choice.) But, how much of ourselves do we give to our partners in habit/rituals etc?

I noticed initially in our relationship that I began to used phrases that A used. (I still do sometimes.) I think that's pretty common, we tend to retain some of the mannerisms of our close friends and family the more time we spend with them. As children we are sponges to the mannerisms and phrases we hear. I very distinctly remember as a child repeating things I heard and not really understood what I meant. This begs the question, how much of ourselves, is... well, us?

I know another "who I am blog post" but if you think about how much other people actually influence who we become it's pretty mind boggling and a little scary. This is a meaty topic in itself, just looking at how we evolve from child to adult and all of the people who influence our soul. Still, there is always that inner voice we all have that ultimately decides what we say, what we love, and how we truly feel about the world. And that piece is completely ours, free of influential tyranny!

The most important lesson I think you can take away from this, and what I believe makes a relationship most successful is to spend time on that part of you that is yours. In order for a relationship to be a success you have to know who you are and be willing to spend time with yourself alone. If you don't like spending time with you, why would your partner? If you don't know who you are, well, how do you know what's kind of person is good for you?

Most of us are still learning to nourish that part of ourselves that makes us unique and discovering new things about it everyday. Take time from your loved one and go indulge in those things that appeal most to you. In my case, that sometimes involves going to a fancy restaurant alone or taking a bubble-bath with my trashy magazines. Or... going solo with my Halloween costume.



Sometimes a girl just needs to sit in her underwater layer, and plan to take over the ocean. Why not?

Title Quote from Mean Girls

Speaking of Chronic Conditions, Happy Anniversary!

I'm celebrating my anniversary Friday. I'm celebrating my two year anniversary. This is officially... since the year mark last year... my longest relationship ever. I feel so grown up! Of course I wanted to do something special to celebrate the occasion. Initially my boyfriend was going to decide what we were doing, but in the end we both decided to have a lavish dinner at the Mexican place where we first met. Aw. I know. Honestly, they have really good tequila and fajitas.

These days when people are taking longer to date each other before they get married, these kind of milestones are sort of a gray area in the world of Hallmark. It's not a wedding anniversary so most of the cards you'll find are marriage humor or sappy "you're the best wife/husband ever" themed. (I'll write on my constant need to vomit in the Hallmark store another time, suffice to say, it can take me a long time to buy a card.)

I love cards though, I think this is because I grew up in with parents who loved giving and receiving cards. Some people find the cookie-cutter sayings they contain sappy, contrived, generic, and unoriginal. I tend to write a little extra under the coin phrase of the card myself, but in my mind, making the effort to physically go out, pick out a card, and write on it, is more sentimental than an e-mail any day.

But I digress. With this flux of long term non-marital relationships existing, there aren't really presidents for how to treat the occasion. If it's a marital anniversary, well, according tradition, the second anniversary is: Cotton. "Happy Anniversary Honey, we now own a cotton field!" "Hmm, well, I guess this means I can get her a t-shirt and she can't yell at me?" I do love this whole history of wedding anniversary gifts thing, but again, this is more marriage applicable. And what non-marital anniversary requires the gift to be a diamond?

This is something I try not to over think. Overall, I've mostly been reflecting on my how our relationship started and where we are today. Things between us started off very emotionally fast and now they are slowing down a bit in terms of conventional milestones. I'm learning more about how relationship work every day, and how time effects them both in positive and negative ways. It's naive to think things will stay exactly the same as the day you met, that's impossible. And not desirable.

I think about the spark between myself and A and I think fondly on those beginning months. But I also think about how hard being apart was for both of us when we lived in different places. We only saw each other twice a week, money was a lot tighter, I was dealing with the crazed rules of my ex-roommate, who later decided to hate A. These days, I get to see A every day, we can cook together, share our days... it's a much more comfortable, relaxed, romantic arrangement in my mind. We know each other so well, and it's okay. More than okay. That's the goal. I can't wait to see what another year together will bring!





Maybe even a sparkly new outfit for my left ring finger...







Title Quote from Guys and Dolls (1955)

Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control and they eat all the steak!

I want nothing more than to have a baby someday. I want nothing more than to not have a baby until I'm ready. In 2010, birth control celebrated it's 50th birthday. (We are talking FDA approved birth control in pill form, no antiquated herbal forms, although I hear the Ancient Greeks used a plant called Laserwort... ew.) It's pretty mind boggling how big a step birth control was in our society, all of a sudden woman have a real choice about when to begin having children... or when not to. Quite a step for women's rights.

I myself have always felt very on the fence about using a birth control method other than condoms. Something about altering my body's natural processes always made be a little, cautious. Knowing your body is important and it can be jarring when chemicals are messing with your rhythm. But. Nothing else short of abstinence can completely guarantee not having a baby before you're ready.

Although, these days you wouldn't think birth control exists what with all the teen pregnancies making reality TV and the "accidental" pregnancies that happen to all of our favorite celebrities. Seriously, in my my mind, accidents should be pretty rare these days. I mean either you're using something, or you're not. (I'm willing to acknowledge some times it might happen, but if you are pulling in millions a year, don't tell me you don't know if you're using a pill.)

I think I figured it out though. I read an article recently that talked about more and more women these days playing "Baby Roulette." I'm hoping I don't have to explain that too much, suffice to say, the gist of the article is that women don't want to make the decision about when to start a family, so they leave it to fate. Then anything that happens was, "meant to be." In a society where marriage has little to do with having a baby, I find this mentality troubling.

I consider myself pretty liberal minded, I support a woman's right to choice, even if it's a choice I don't personally agree with, but when it comes to marriage and having a family, I'm very old fashioned. I think children deserve to be born in to a family that really wanted them, and has the support of two parents, whether that be mother/father, father/father, or mother/mother. And this is where my liberal self comes back. I think more thought should be given in to bringing a new person in to the world; they didn't ask to be alive and should have the absolute best situation when they arrive.

As much as I might like the idea of having a baby right now, I know I'm not ready. Babies are a lot of work and expensive, and completely change your relationship with your lover. You need more room, more patience, more money, and more work to raise a human as best you can. It's a huge decision. I know what I'd decide if I did get pregnant now by accident. I'd be okay... we'd be okay, but it would be very hard. Harder than I'm ready for at 25.

So, I, like many women, am choosing not to leave that part up to chance. Although it's awfully tempting when I see things like this:

Adorable. Ugh.


Time Quote from Almost Famous