Monday, January 30, 2012

I believe in love, and second chances.

I already wrote this blog entry. It didn’t save and is now gone. Second time’s the charm? This is definitely another way to go with this narrative, but still I can’t help but feel a little resentful of having to do the exact same thing… again. It would be so much easier if I could just pick up where I left off on my last draft, and click the publish button. Yes, that would be much easier than completely retyping this entry. But, what if my first entry wasn’t really that great to begin with? Maybe this second entry is a time to improve upon the first draft, and really make it spectacular. So goes with second chance relationships.

If your relationship fails for whatever reason, even if this person could be the love of your life, you have to accept that it failed and reexamine. Did it fail because of you? Your partner? Was there a betrayal involved? If so, can you forgive that betrayal? There really needs to be a cooling off period in between because, as you all are aware, it’s hard to see the cracks in the framework when you’re sitting in your cozy house. Love is the most blinding thing, and almost all of us will ignore those little red flags to keep the good stuff alive. The problem is those red flags could probably save you a whole lot of heart ache in the first place. Taking a step back once a relationship fails, is the only way to examine if it’s worth going back.

Taking time to be alone for a while is a very healthy exercise because it reminds you who you really are inside. Relationships, as I’ve said, can sometimes make you change, become a false-best version or a false-worst version. Seeing this takes time. Sometimes, years, in my case. Also, you can really think what you WANT out of a relationship, not just what you had.

If after this self-reflection period, you still feel like your relationship wasn’t given a fair shot, then that’s the point at which you’d try and start things up again. What you cannot do, is pick-up from where you left off. The relationship ended, for a reason, most likely, because of a faulty foundation. (I know, so many building allegories!) In order to give your second chance the best chance, you have to rebuild that foundation from scratch.

Now, obviously it’s not completely from scratch since you both know each other pretty well, but, pretend like you’re starting over. Go on a date, a “first date.” Treat this person as if you don’t really know them, because maybe you missed something along the way. In my opinion, that is the only way to truly start fresh. If you start in the middle of the relationship, how do you know if it’s really right? The middle of the relationship is always the most comfortable. Picking up your routine where you left off means you’re basically going through the motions. Maybe in the beginning it will feel like a whole new relationship, but, if you don’t take time to re-build your foundation, you’ll end up right back where you started. Broken up.

I know this opinion isn’t shared by everyone but, I know how much a break-up can change a person. I know how much a divorce or marital separation can change a person. It can take time to heal from the hurt and when you come out on the other side, you are rarely the same person who started. If you’re both different people, you can’t EVER pick up from the starting point. It’s easy to slip back in to old habits, even bad ones.

Sometimes divorce can be that clean slate you need to save a marriage. Not always, but, if a marriage ends, there was a problem so big it couldn’t be resolved. If it was my marriage, and it was completely beyond repair, I’d probably get divorced. If my ex-spouse wanted to give it another try, my first like would be, “Ask me out sometime. Maybe I’ll say yes.”

I think by giving this blog entry a clean-slate start, it’s even better than the first try. Sure, I remembered a lot of my points and puns from the first time, but by completely rewriting it, it has the best things from the first try, and some new better things this time around.

I believe in second chances, but I believe in giving them the same treatment at the first chance. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be even better the second time around.

Now, let me go save this thing before I have to give it a third go…

Title Quote from Grey's Anatomy