People wait their whole lives to see an ex when things are going really good.

I have ex-boyfriends. I'm still friends with some of them. Recently I saw an episode of a sitcom in which the main character proclaims in infinite wisdom, "Never invite an ex to your wedding!" He even goes so far as to not invite his, currently still good friends with, ex. How many of us still have this kind of relationship with a serious ex boyfriend or girlfriend?

A year ago I would have called one of my exes almost a "best" friend, but, like most ex/ex relationships, it went one of three ways. There are three possible endings for you and an ex: a) you stay friends until one of you meets someone meaningful and then drift, b) you don't stay friends, c) you get back together and it ends happily or badly.

OK, some of you might be saying to yourselves, "What about the 'friends with benefits' route?" One of the only reasons you have sex with an ex, is because, if you're being honest with yourself, there are unresolved feelings. If it's not on your side, it's probably on his side then, but it's probably your side.

So, what about staying friends? "I'm SUPER good friends with MY ex!" Well, are you single? If you answered no, then you qualify for stage 1, and haven't met someone better yet. If you answered yes, and are seeing someone and you're still BEST friends with your ex, then you have a very patient significant other, who unfortunately isn't significant enough for you to drift from your ex. Bummer, sorry.

Maybe it's not that black and white, these days where communication is running rampant, we are finding more gray areas with the relationships in our life. The exes that are still in my life are guys that I found very easy to talk to. They are in my life in a Christmas card capacity, mainly because of distance, but ultimately, since getting serious with A, our friendships have dissipated a bit.

How many of our exes do we keep around because of the possibility of "what if?" You enjoy spending time with them, talking with them, but for whatever reason, it never worked out. It's hard to let those people go if the relationship didn't end on a sour note. Besides, as humans, don't we love to try to play fortune teller and predict, what if? It's kind of exciting to see the varying paths our life can take. So much of that path can depend on the people we date, or dated.

Going back to the fundamental question, "should you invite your ex to a wedding?" My theory takes a slightly different, more optimistic turn. In the episode I watched, the bride wasn't over her ex, which is why she avoided him. So maybe being able to confidently invite an ex to your wedding shows the level of your commitment to your husband/wife. So maybe you aren't the best of friends, but if you have an ex in your life that you speak with enough to call them a friend, why not invite them to your wedding? If it's for any reason other than getting an extra present or for friendly support, then maybe you should be re-evaluating your current relationship.

Exes might serve as a helpful barometer for your current relationship. There's always that one ex that might get under your skin, but, if you are truly happy with the relationship you are currently in, then eventually you stop playing the "my girlfriend/boyfriend is hotter than you" game.

Although it's always more satisfying if you win that game. We're only human after all.


Title Quote from movie Music and Lyrics

I'm addressing Christmas cards. Aren't they cute? Each one has a little bunny on it dressed up like a shepherd. Don't say I'm not religious!

I send out Christmas cards every year to friends and family. I'm sending a joint Christmas card out with my boyfriend this year. I always thought that was the kind of thing only married couples and families did, but, after a year of living together, 3 Christmases together, I asked him what he thought, and he thought it would be a nice idea. Great! Last year we received Christmas cards from couples who weren't married, so why not? Has the Christmas card commitment stigma changed? Besides, A is my family unit.

I remember a Friend's episode (it's a TV show if you didn't know) where the character Ross is dating a girl for a series of months, and during the Christmas season, she suggests that they send out Christmas cards together. Ross' hesitance sparks a larger conversation about "where the relationship is going" and the comment, "Married couples send out cards, couples dating for a couple of months do NOT send out cards." So in that respect, while a couple need not be married, the idea of sending a card out together, indicates a certain degree of commitment. After all you wouldn't want everyone on your Christmas card list to know how many non-serious relationships you are in, based on the different girl/guy you are smiling with in your annual Christmas card.

A and I often talk about the future, where we see ourselves, and while that future does include the proverbial ring, wedding, eventually a family, that future is not immediate. We both have a lot of work to do financially and emotionally before we are ready to make that kind of commitment. Once a couple reaches a certain age, the inevitable "when's it gonna happen" question begins to make it's way in to conversations. And, it's hard to give blaise reason "why not?"

Actually, it's kind of a personal question to ask a couple now that I think about it... usually I respond to it with a disparaging joke or quip. Or, another question... depending on my wit level is doing that day.

What I'm learning as I embark on this journey, is that there are no rules, only guidelines, based on what works best for you both. If you're ready to get married, if you're not, that doesn't mean anything about your relationship. Marriage is a huge decision. Why rush? What will really change anyways? Marriage doesn't guarentee a new set of happiness or even permanance. Not that I'm bashing the institution, but if you already feel secure in both of those things, then what's the problem? Marriage should be the house upon that already secure foundation. It shouldn't just be the next logical step or a bandaid to spice things up again. If that foundation is weak... well I think you get this building allegory well enough.

A and I always hope that no much will change, except maybe the last names that go on the Christmas cards. Maybe not even that!

So, back to addressing those cards then...


Title Quote from Charlie Brown Short Film

Halloween is the One Night of the Year when Girls Can Dress Like a Total Slut and No Other Girls Can Say Anything About

I love Halloween. I have my costume planned. It's not slutty, it's fabulous! Last year I wanted to coordinate a costume with A, and it was pretty cute. We did a from-the-store costume run, he went as the Mad Hatter, and I was the March Hare. We even held teacups with our names on them. (These posts are getting sappy aren't they? I'm sorry, I have a cynical point in here I promise.)

THIS year, I thought it might be fun to both be Disney Villains... see that's much cooler, I knew you'd be on board. It didn't work out however, I will be riding the Disney Villian express solo. But that's okay. It occurred to me that often times, couples really do tend to conform to each others' lives in more than one way. (In this case, the not-so-serious costume choice.) But, how much of ourselves do we give to our partners in habit/rituals etc?

I noticed initially in our relationship that I began to used phrases that A used. (I still do sometimes.) I think that's pretty common, we tend to retain some of the mannerisms of our close friends and family the more time we spend with them. As children we are sponges to the mannerisms and phrases we hear. I very distinctly remember as a child repeating things I heard and not really understood what I meant. This begs the question, how much of ourselves, is... well, us?

I know another "who I am blog post" but if you think about how much other people actually influence who we become it's pretty mind boggling and a little scary. This is a meaty topic in itself, just looking at how we evolve from child to adult and all of the people who influence our soul. Still, there is always that inner voice we all have that ultimately decides what we say, what we love, and how we truly feel about the world. And that piece is completely ours, free of influential tyranny!

The most important lesson I think you can take away from this, and what I believe makes a relationship most successful is to spend time on that part of you that is yours. In order for a relationship to be a success you have to know who you are and be willing to spend time with yourself alone. If you don't like spending time with you, why would your partner? If you don't know who you are, well, how do you know what's kind of person is good for you?

Most of us are still learning to nourish that part of ourselves that makes us unique and discovering new things about it everyday. Take time from your loved one and go indulge in those things that appeal most to you. In my case, that sometimes involves going to a fancy restaurant alone or taking a bubble-bath with my trashy magazines. Or... going solo with my Halloween costume.



Sometimes a girl just needs to sit in her underwater layer, and plan to take over the ocean. Why not?

Title Quote from Mean Girls

Speaking of Chronic Conditions, Happy Anniversary!

I'm celebrating my anniversary Friday. I'm celebrating my two year anniversary. This is officially... since the year mark last year... my longest relationship ever. I feel so grown up! Of course I wanted to do something special to celebrate the occasion. Initially my boyfriend was going to decide what we were doing, but in the end we both decided to have a lavish dinner at the Mexican place where we first met. Aw. I know. Honestly, they have really good tequila and fajitas.

These days when people are taking longer to date each other before they get married, these kind of milestones are sort of a gray area in the world of Hallmark. It's not a wedding anniversary so most of the cards you'll find are marriage humor or sappy "you're the best wife/husband ever" themed. (I'll write on my constant need to vomit in the Hallmark store another time, suffice to say, it can take me a long time to buy a card.)

I love cards though, I think this is because I grew up in with parents who loved giving and receiving cards. Some people find the cookie-cutter sayings they contain sappy, contrived, generic, and unoriginal. I tend to write a little extra under the coin phrase of the card myself, but in my mind, making the effort to physically go out, pick out a card, and write on it, is more sentimental than an e-mail any day.

But I digress. With this flux of long term non-marital relationships existing, there aren't really presidents for how to treat the occasion. If it's a marital anniversary, well, according tradition, the second anniversary is: Cotton. "Happy Anniversary Honey, we now own a cotton field!" "Hmm, well, I guess this means I can get her a t-shirt and she can't yell at me?" I do love this whole history of wedding anniversary gifts thing, but again, this is more marriage applicable. And what non-marital anniversary requires the gift to be a diamond?

This is something I try not to over think. Overall, I've mostly been reflecting on my how our relationship started and where we are today. Things between us started off very emotionally fast and now they are slowing down a bit in terms of conventional milestones. I'm learning more about how relationship work every day, and how time effects them both in positive and negative ways. It's naive to think things will stay exactly the same as the day you met, that's impossible. And not desirable.

I think about the spark between myself and A and I think fondly on those beginning months. But I also think about how hard being apart was for both of us when we lived in different places. We only saw each other twice a week, money was a lot tighter, I was dealing with the crazed rules of my ex-roommate, who later decided to hate A. These days, I get to see A every day, we can cook together, share our days... it's a much more comfortable, relaxed, romantic arrangement in my mind. We know each other so well, and it's okay. More than okay. That's the goal. I can't wait to see what another year together will bring!





Maybe even a sparkly new outfit for my left ring finger...







Title Quote from Guys and Dolls (1955)

Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control and they eat all the steak!

I want nothing more than to have a baby someday. I want nothing more than to not have a baby until I'm ready. In 2010, birth control celebrated it's 50th birthday. (We are talking FDA approved birth control in pill form, no antiquated herbal forms, although I hear the Ancient Greeks used a plant called Laserwort... ew.) It's pretty mind boggling how big a step birth control was in our society, all of a sudden woman have a real choice about when to begin having children... or when not to. Quite a step for women's rights.

I myself have always felt very on the fence about using a birth control method other than condoms. Something about altering my body's natural processes always made be a little, cautious. Knowing your body is important and it can be jarring when chemicals are messing with your rhythm. But. Nothing else short of abstinence can completely guarantee not having a baby before you're ready.

Although, these days you wouldn't think birth control exists what with all the teen pregnancies making reality TV and the "accidental" pregnancies that happen to all of our favorite celebrities. Seriously, in my my mind, accidents should be pretty rare these days. I mean either you're using something, or you're not. (I'm willing to acknowledge some times it might happen, but if you are pulling in millions a year, don't tell me you don't know if you're using a pill.)

I think I figured it out though. I read an article recently that talked about more and more women these days playing "Baby Roulette." I'm hoping I don't have to explain that too much, suffice to say, the gist of the article is that women don't want to make the decision about when to start a family, so they leave it to fate. Then anything that happens was, "meant to be." In a society where marriage has little to do with having a baby, I find this mentality troubling.

I consider myself pretty liberal minded, I support a woman's right to choice, even if it's a choice I don't personally agree with, but when it comes to marriage and having a family, I'm very old fashioned. I think children deserve to be born in to a family that really wanted them, and has the support of two parents, whether that be mother/father, father/father, or mother/mother. And this is where my liberal self comes back. I think more thought should be given in to bringing a new person in to the world; they didn't ask to be alive and should have the absolute best situation when they arrive.

As much as I might like the idea of having a baby right now, I know I'm not ready. Babies are a lot of work and expensive, and completely change your relationship with your lover. You need more room, more patience, more money, and more work to raise a human as best you can. It's a huge decision. I know what I'd decide if I did get pregnant now by accident. I'd be okay... we'd be okay, but it would be very hard. Harder than I'm ready for at 25.

So, I, like many women, am choosing not to leave that part up to chance. Although it's awfully tempting when I see things like this:

Adorable. Ugh.


Time Quote from Almost Famous

Life's Short, You Might Wanna Consider Holding His Hand

I'm an advocate of hand holding. I'm an advocate of hand holding to a point. I'll get to "the point" a little later. In a world filled with communicable diseases and paranoia, it's kind of amazing anyone is willing to hold hands with anyone. (No I haven't seen Contagion yet, but it seems like it might push me from careful to OCD.) We all carry hand sanitizers in our purses and try and remember how many verses of Happy Birthday we're supposed to sing in our heads to indicate a thorough hand washing. (It's 2 verses.) More to the point, a hand hold seems an innocent enough gesture emotionally, but it's often an intimacy step missed in some relationships.

If you have a casual night with a guy (or a girl) you might have skipped the hand holding stage and moved right on to well, yeah know. When did our nether regions become more active than our hands? Anatomically, hands have about more nerve endings than most other parts of your body. We are programmed to touch and explore both to prevent harm and learn about our surroundings. Yet, often we ignore this impulse to explore and prevent harm with others. For fear of moving too fast, physically, emotionally?

These days hand holding is mainly reserved for couples and parent/child scenarios. For most it induces a level of trust, protection, and love between the two people. Although often as children we couldn't wait until we were big enough to stop holding Mom's hand while crossing the street. Abandoning this connection becomes a rite of passage in our lives somehow. And then we spend the rest our lives trying to find the person we want to hold our hand for (hopefully) the rest of our lives.

While I may hold issue with touching a stranger's hand (I'm a bubble prayer Catholic, don't touch my hand during the Our Father), except those times a professional hand shake might be required, there are few things I love more than when my boyfriend will subtly grab my hand as we are walking down the street.

Not to be confused with this nonsense:

Yes folks, that's called a Smitten. Feel free to throw up a little bit. This is what I meant by holding hands "to a point." First off, I'd like to point out that this couple's other hands are uncovered, so why bother? Secondly, if your mittens are interfering with your romantic grip that much, then maybe it's you, not the mittens. Aren't there operations to prevent this exact scenario in twins? This brings clingy relationships to a whole new level, what guy would EVER wear this? Can you imagine if Kate and Leo had one of these?


I guess one of their hands would have been warm right?

Title Quote from Sex and the City

Marriage is a Three Ring Circus: the Engagement Ring, the Wedding Ring, and Suffering

I want to marry my boyfriend. I'm contemplating buying my own engagement ring. No, not really, but the thought has crossed my mind on several occasions. In fact, if the gender roles were reversed and women proposed to men, we would probably be engaged by now. This might sound harsh, but it's a fact. I've talked about the power dynamtic of men and women in our post-millenium world before, and it's been drilled in to our heads that as a woman, financial independence is good. These days I'm wondering if that's actually true.

Fact: I have a moderately successful career with prospects of increasing success each year. Fact: If I were a man, dating a woman with less income would not be considered taboo. Fact: If I were a man, it would not be considered odd if I contributed to most of the shared expenses. Fact: I am not a man. Where has all of my independence gotten me? If I had a magic lamp and a genie asked if I would change financial situations with my beloved, would I? Well, no probably not, a girl's gotta buy shoes and cocktails. If it meant I got to be engaged and "taken care of?" Hmm...

In the news... ok fine in the gossip magazines... you always see these famous lady celebrities getting married to these perhaps-not-so-successful men, and they have these GIANT rocks, 2, 3.. 20 carats! Makes you wonder who is footing the bill, he or she? In the end, it's all about appearances.

I mean, a lot of women are shying away from the "big ring" cliche so who cares if we buy it ourselves? If our men wouldn't consider it a giant diamond kick in the nuts, who's to judge? Or are we gaining so much power that eventually this role will reverse itself anyways?

I've been told that I'm a bit controlling when it comes to my life and well, everything. Yeah, that's definitely true, I prefer to work alone rather than with a group. I've been faced with this decision and the option of financing my own engagement. Ultimately my woman gut (internal not external) has opted out of such a feminist move. Maybe I'll have to wait a little longer, but most things in life worth having are out of our control and worth the wait. Ultimately we must remember it's not the size of the rock, but the inner worth of our ball and chain.

Title Quote from The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap (1947)

It's Like Someone Literally Wrote Down My Worst Nightmare and Then Charged Me $32 to See It!

I went to see my boyfriend perform in an opera yesterday. I got to watch him play a sex slave in a brothel during Act II. The title of this entry pretty much speaks for itself. As a fellow performer, of course I understand that as an actor, these days more often than not, you will have to kiss, hug, and be pretty intimate as part of your role in a performance. This is something I have always taken for granted as normal, until yesterday.

In middle and high school, I remember vividly the reaction that occurred anytime two character had to kiss in a show. Those poor kids had to try and shove all self esteem, sexual confusion, and awkwardness issues out the door, to be brave enough in that moment, generally to be met by whoops and laughter upon completion of the task. Easy? No. Of course, at that point in your life it's even harder to distinguish pretend from reality. When your hormones are going nuts, when most of us are would give anything for a kiss from someone special, how can you not separate your true feelings from that moment. Kissing is nice.

In college, things went a bit further. I took an acting for non-acting majors class and was paired with the cutest guy in the class to do a VERY romantic scene from a play adaption of The Lady with the Little Dog. For those of you not familiar, this play tells the story of two people who fall in love and have a torrid affair. Both of these characters are married to other people. In this particular scene, we are in bed, being affectionate basically doing the proverbial, "What the heck are we doing, but wait this feels so right" dance. Turns out, this scene was actually HARDER with a guy that I found attractive because it felt like an awkward battle of how much is the character and how much is me? As an actor, how much of yourself goes into the role? In the end, my true-to-feeling discomfort played to my advantage as my character was trying to distance herself from the passion to see reason. Phew, lucky break on that one. As a result from this experience, I came to find that these scenes often are as sexy as a calculus class and I developed a respect for anyone who could get through those parts of plays.

Considering my last two roles in shows were a nun and a demur Japanese virgin, I haven't come face-to-face with this dilemma in recent, and I have never been in a relationship when performing lascivious acts on stage. Also, at this point, I'd been lucky with my boyfriend, he hadn't had to do anything questionable on stage. In reality, it's amazing this has not come up sooner.

So now we're up to the present, before the performance I had been told that their might be a scene with some "PG" intimacy. Scene unfolds, there is my boyfriend in an Aladdin outfit, with a short adorable girl in tow wearing a red Jasmine outfit. F$%#! For 20-30 minutes they are literally center stage during the music, she's lying on the floor, bare leg in the air, being fondled by my boyfriend. Awesome. Now, I understand that as a chorister in a sexy brothel scene, a little bit of sexy must occur. But. In my mind, this felt more like girlfriend and boyfriend acting out a brothel scene, not two slaves whoring it out with each other. Intimacy and sex are two different things.

I guess the question is this, Is it better if he's in the moment picturing me, and showing the world how he's intimate with me? Or, if "in the mind set of the character" he's focused his attraction to the half-naked girl? In my mind, showing attraction even in a play, ALWAYS comes from somewhere real, maybe not all of it, but that's method acting. Otherwise, it looks fake to me. For example, later on in the scene, he's sort of petting a half naked guy. That was not convincing at all. So, am I overreacting?

Probably a little bit. I mean, even if he's in the chorus he should be committed to the moment right? Even if every other person on that stage didn't look near as familiar as the two center stage slutty slave... So now my boyfriend is the best actor on stage at that moment? Hmm... Perhaps if I'd been at the show with friends or family I could have laughed some of it off. At the same time, I might have been even more humiliated.

Dating an actor has it's pros and cons. Actors are EXTREMELY slutty touchy-feely people. Perhaps being so constantly emotionally charged has its draw-backs, knowing what's coming from a real place vs. what's conjured in the moment? You see so many examples of famous actors (TALENTED actors) who so easily lose that line. Look at Heath Ledger or the infamous Brangelina. Not that I think this would or could happen to me, but it makes you wonder why so many Hollywood marriage fail.

You have to find that balance between what you do on stage and try not to take that home with you. Where do you draw the line, does that line apply to what happens on the stage? Apparently the stage is the new Vegas, what happens there... well you get it. And as the partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, maybe it's beneficial to the relationship to skip those questionably racy performances. As long as he comes home to you, why pay good money to be given even a shred of doubt that he won't?

Title Quote from FRIENDS