I believe in love, and second chances.

I already wrote this blog entry. It didn’t save and is now gone. Second time’s the charm? This is definitely another way to go with this narrative, but still I can’t help but feel a little resentful of having to do the exact same thing… again. It would be so much easier if I could just pick up where I left off on my last draft, and click the publish button. Yes, that would be much easier than completely retyping this entry. But, what if my first entry wasn’t really that great to begin with? Maybe this second entry is a time to improve upon the first draft, and really make it spectacular. So goes with second chance relationships.

If your relationship fails for whatever reason, even if this person could be the love of your life, you have to accept that it failed and reexamine. Did it fail because of you? Your partner? Was there a betrayal involved? If so, can you forgive that betrayal? There really needs to be a cooling off period in between because, as you all are aware, it’s hard to see the cracks in the framework when you’re sitting in your cozy house. Love is the most blinding thing, and almost all of us will ignore those little red flags to keep the good stuff alive. The problem is those red flags could probably save you a whole lot of heart ache in the first place. Taking a step back once a relationship fails, is the only way to examine if it’s worth going back.

Taking time to be alone for a while is a very healthy exercise because it reminds you who you really are inside. Relationships, as I’ve said, can sometimes make you change, become a false-best version or a false-worst version. Seeing this takes time. Sometimes, years, in my case. Also, you can really think what you WANT out of a relationship, not just what you had.

If after this self-reflection period, you still feel like your relationship wasn’t given a fair shot, then that’s the point at which you’d try and start things up again. What you cannot do, is pick-up from where you left off. The relationship ended, for a reason, most likely, because of a faulty foundation. (I know, so many building allegories!) In order to give your second chance the best chance, you have to rebuild that foundation from scratch.

Now, obviously it’s not completely from scratch since you both know each other pretty well, but, pretend like you’re starting over. Go on a date, a “first date.” Treat this person as if you don’t really know them, because maybe you missed something along the way. In my opinion, that is the only way to truly start fresh. If you start in the middle of the relationship, how do you know if it’s really right? The middle of the relationship is always the most comfortable. Picking up your routine where you left off means you’re basically going through the motions. Maybe in the beginning it will feel like a whole new relationship, but, if you don’t take time to re-build your foundation, you’ll end up right back where you started. Broken up.

I know this opinion isn’t shared by everyone but, I know how much a break-up can change a person. I know how much a divorce or marital separation can change a person. It can take time to heal from the hurt and when you come out on the other side, you are rarely the same person who started. If you’re both different people, you can’t EVER pick up from the starting point. It’s easy to slip back in to old habits, even bad ones.

Sometimes divorce can be that clean slate you need to save a marriage. Not always, but, if a marriage ends, there was a problem so big it couldn’t be resolved. If it was my marriage, and it was completely beyond repair, I’d probably get divorced. If my ex-spouse wanted to give it another try, my first like would be, “Ask me out sometime. Maybe I’ll say yes.”

I think by giving this blog entry a clean-slate start, it’s even better than the first try. Sure, I remembered a lot of my points and puns from the first time, but by completely rewriting it, it has the best things from the first try, and some new better things this time around.

I believe in second chances, but I believe in giving them the same treatment at the first chance. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be even better the second time around.

Now, let me go save this thing before I have to give it a third go…


Title Quote from Grey's Anatomy

Speaking of Chronic Conditions, Happy Anniversary!

I'm celebrating my anniversary Friday. I'm celebrating my two year anniversary. This is officially... since the year mark last year... my longest relationship ever. I feel so grown up! Of course I wanted to do something special to celebrate the occasion. Initially my boyfriend was going to decide what we were doing, but in the end we both decided to have a lavish dinner at the Mexican place where we first met. Aw. I know. Honestly, they have really good tequila and fajitas.

These days when people are taking longer to date each other before they get married, these kind of milestones are sort of a gray area in the world of Hallmark. It's not a wedding anniversary so most of the cards you'll find are marriage humor or sappy "you're the best wife/husband ever" themed. (I'll write on my constant need to vomit in the Hallmark store another time, suffice to say, it can take me a long time to buy a card.)

I love cards though, I think this is because I grew up in with parents who loved giving and receiving cards. Some people find the cookie-cutter sayings they contain sappy, contrived, generic, and unoriginal. I tend to write a little extra under the coin phrase of the card myself, but in my mind, making the effort to physically go out, pick out a card, and write on it, is more sentimental than an e-mail any day.

But I digress. With this flux of long term non-marital relationships existing, there aren't really presidents for how to treat the occasion. If it's a marital anniversary, well, according tradition, the second anniversary is: Cotton. "Happy Anniversary Honey, we now own a cotton field!" "Hmm, well, I guess this means I can get her a t-shirt and she can't yell at me?" I do love this whole history of wedding anniversary gifts thing, but again, this is more marriage applicable. And what non-marital anniversary requires the gift to be a diamond?

This is something I try not to over think. Overall, I've mostly been reflecting on my how our relationship started and where we are today. Things between us started off very emotionally fast and now they are slowing down a bit in terms of conventional milestones. I'm learning more about how relationship work every day, and how time effects them both in positive and negative ways. It's naive to think things will stay exactly the same as the day you met, that's impossible. And not desirable.

I think about the spark between myself and A and I think fondly on those beginning months. But I also think about how hard being apart was for both of us when we lived in different places. We only saw each other twice a week, money was a lot tighter, I was dealing with the crazed rules of my ex-roommate, who later decided to hate A. These days, I get to see A every day, we can cook together, share our days... it's a much more comfortable, relaxed, romantic arrangement in my mind. We know each other so well, and it's okay. More than okay. That's the goal. I can't wait to see what another year together will bring!





Maybe even a sparkly new outfit for my left ring finger...







Title Quote from Guys and Dolls (1955)

Can you believe these new girls? None of them use birth control and they eat all the steak!

I want nothing more than to have a baby someday. I want nothing more than to not have a baby until I'm ready. In 2010, birth control celebrated it's 50th birthday. (We are talking FDA approved birth control in pill form, no antiquated herbal forms, although I hear the Ancient Greeks used a plant called Laserwort... ew.) It's pretty mind boggling how big a step birth control was in our society, all of a sudden woman have a real choice about when to begin having children... or when not to. Quite a step for women's rights.

I myself have always felt very on the fence about using a birth control method other than condoms. Something about altering my body's natural processes always made be a little, cautious. Knowing your body is important and it can be jarring when chemicals are messing with your rhythm. But. Nothing else short of abstinence can completely guarantee not having a baby before you're ready.

Although, these days you wouldn't think birth control exists what with all the teen pregnancies making reality TV and the "accidental" pregnancies that happen to all of our favorite celebrities. Seriously, in my my mind, accidents should be pretty rare these days. I mean either you're using something, or you're not. (I'm willing to acknowledge some times it might happen, but if you are pulling in millions a year, don't tell me you don't know if you're using a pill.)

I think I figured it out though. I read an article recently that talked about more and more women these days playing "Baby Roulette." I'm hoping I don't have to explain that too much, suffice to say, the gist of the article is that women don't want to make the decision about when to start a family, so they leave it to fate. Then anything that happens was, "meant to be." In a society where marriage has little to do with having a baby, I find this mentality troubling.

I consider myself pretty liberal minded, I support a woman's right to choice, even if it's a choice I don't personally agree with, but when it comes to marriage and having a family, I'm very old fashioned. I think children deserve to be born in to a family that really wanted them, and has the support of two parents, whether that be mother/father, father/father, or mother/mother. And this is where my liberal self comes back. I think more thought should be given in to bringing a new person in to the world; they didn't ask to be alive and should have the absolute best situation when they arrive.

As much as I might like the idea of having a baby right now, I know I'm not ready. Babies are a lot of work and expensive, and completely change your relationship with your lover. You need more room, more patience, more money, and more work to raise a human as best you can. It's a huge decision. I know what I'd decide if I did get pregnant now by accident. I'd be okay... we'd be okay, but it would be very hard. Harder than I'm ready for at 25.

So, I, like many women, am choosing not to leave that part up to chance. Although it's awfully tempting when I see things like this:

Adorable. Ugh.


Time Quote from Almost Famous

It's Like Someone Literally Wrote Down My Worst Nightmare and Then Charged Me $32 to See It!

I went to see my boyfriend perform in an opera yesterday. I got to watch him play a sex slave in a brothel during Act II. The title of this entry pretty much speaks for itself. As a fellow performer, of course I understand that as an actor, these days more often than not, you will have to kiss, hug, and be pretty intimate as part of your role in a performance. This is something I have always taken for granted as normal, until yesterday.

In middle and high school, I remember vividly the reaction that occurred anytime two character had to kiss in a show. Those poor kids had to try and shove all self esteem, sexual confusion, and awkwardness issues out the door, to be brave enough in that moment, generally to be met by whoops and laughter upon completion of the task. Easy? No. Of course, at that point in your life it's even harder to distinguish pretend from reality. When your hormones are going nuts, when most of us are would give anything for a kiss from someone special, how can you not separate your true feelings from that moment. Kissing is nice.

In college, things went a bit further. I took an acting for non-acting majors class and was paired with the cutest guy in the class to do a VERY romantic scene from a play adaption of The Lady with the Little Dog. For those of you not familiar, this play tells the story of two people who fall in love and have a torrid affair. Both of these characters are married to other people. In this particular scene, we are in bed, being affectionate basically doing the proverbial, "What the heck are we doing, but wait this feels so right" dance. Turns out, this scene was actually HARDER with a guy that I found attractive because it felt like an awkward battle of how much is the character and how much is me? As an actor, how much of yourself goes into the role? In the end, my true-to-feeling discomfort played to my advantage as my character was trying to distance herself from the passion to see reason. Phew, lucky break on that one. As a result from this experience, I came to find that these scenes often are as sexy as a calculus class and I developed a respect for anyone who could get through those parts of plays.

Considering my last two roles in shows were a nun and a demur Japanese virgin, I haven't come face-to-face with this dilemma in recent, and I have never been in a relationship when performing lascivious acts on stage. Also, at this point, I'd been lucky with my boyfriend, he hadn't had to do anything questionable on stage. In reality, it's amazing this has not come up sooner.

So now we're up to the present, before the performance I had been told that their might be a scene with some "PG" intimacy. Scene unfolds, there is my boyfriend in an Aladdin outfit, with a short adorable girl in tow wearing a red Jasmine outfit. F$%#! For 20-30 minutes they are literally center stage during the music, she's lying on the floor, bare leg in the air, being fondled by my boyfriend. Awesome. Now, I understand that as a chorister in a sexy brothel scene, a little bit of sexy must occur. But. In my mind, this felt more like girlfriend and boyfriend acting out a brothel scene, not two slaves whoring it out with each other. Intimacy and sex are two different things.

I guess the question is this, Is it better if he's in the moment picturing me, and showing the world how he's intimate with me? Or, if "in the mind set of the character" he's focused his attraction to the half-naked girl? In my mind, showing attraction even in a play, ALWAYS comes from somewhere real, maybe not all of it, but that's method acting. Otherwise, it looks fake to me. For example, later on in the scene, he's sort of petting a half naked guy. That was not convincing at all. So, am I overreacting?

Probably a little bit. I mean, even if he's in the chorus he should be committed to the moment right? Even if every other person on that stage didn't look near as familiar as the two center stage slutty slave... So now my boyfriend is the best actor on stage at that moment? Hmm... Perhaps if I'd been at the show with friends or family I could have laughed some of it off. At the same time, I might have been even more humiliated.

Dating an actor has it's pros and cons. Actors are EXTREMELY slutty touchy-feely people. Perhaps being so constantly emotionally charged has its draw-backs, knowing what's coming from a real place vs. what's conjured in the moment? You see so many examples of famous actors (TALENTED actors) who so easily lose that line. Look at Heath Ledger or the infamous Brangelina. Not that I think this would or could happen to me, but it makes you wonder why so many Hollywood marriage fail.

You have to find that balance between what you do on stage and try not to take that home with you. Where do you draw the line, does that line apply to what happens on the stage? Apparently the stage is the new Vegas, what happens there... well you get it. And as the partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, maybe it's beneficial to the relationship to skip those questionably racy performances. As long as he comes home to you, why pay good money to be given even a shred of doubt that he won't?

Title Quote from FRIENDS

Had my Dream Again Where I’m Making Love , and the Olympic Judges are Watching.

I had a weird dream. I dreamed that my boyfriend and I got into a fight. It was incredibly vivid. He was working at a bar (he's a bartender, not a giant stretch) and he came home with a girl's phone number. Being my non-perfect dream self, I was as jealous and suspicious as I would have been in real life. I asked him why he took it and he claimed that it wasn't important enough for me to be upset. Then, I proceeded to ask dream-him whether he had asked for the number or whether she had just given it to him. After a "I won't dignify that question with an answer" answer, he said I could guess. I guessed that he asked for it, and he was flabbergasted and upset that I didn't trust him.

I woke up to the real man next to me, all sleeping and innocent and wonderful next to me. He woke up not soon after I did, and I told him about it, editing out all genuine concern. Being wonderful, he sidled up to me and said it was a ridiculous dream and that his dream-self sounded more like the voice of my other exes, not him.

While that mollifed me for a bit, I wondered how much of our dreams are voices from the past. I looked up the meaning of a suspected cheating "spouse" in my trusty dream dictionary and apparently:

"To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are unconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truth or is not fully committed in the relationship." -Dream Dictionary.com

This begs the question, do I have fears of abandonment in my relationship? Unfortunately yes. The ghosts of my past haven't completely gone away and deep down I'm still that insecure girl from high school who never felt she could measure up to her first love. I guess the boy was right. As for the unconsciously picking up deception in the relationship or commitment, I don't think so.

On the flip side, I had previously had another dream in which I had THREE boyfriends: my boyfriend, someone I can't remember, and randomly, John Corbett. We went to an outdoor camping retreat and they rotated my affections in order to essentially be the last man standing. Very Bachelorette. Oh and there was a pogo stick. In this scenario,

"To dream that you are cheating on your spouse, mate, fiance, or significant other, suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You may have compromised your beliefs or integrity and/or wasting your energy and time on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, it reflects the intensity of your sexual passion and exploring areas of your sexuality. It is actually a reaffirmation of your commitment. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for people approaching a wedding to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than their intended spouses. Most likely, such dreams represent the newness of your sexual passion. It may also signify anxieties of changing your identity - that of a spouse." -Dream Dictionary.com

So I've reaffirmed my commitment and expressed fear about my boyfriend's. Sounds like normal relationship steps to me. Time to hit the sack and be hit with further relationship advice.

Title Quote from When Harry Met Sally

There's two things we get stupid for, money and sex

I am a twenty something career woman. I am in a relationship with a musician. Yes, I also consider myself a musician, however, the 'day-job' I have found myself in has allowed me to become established in my young age. I'm truly an adult with my own place, bills, health insurance, and money to indulge in recreation. So many women in their twenties once they graduate are becoming more and more successful in their careers, both educationally and fiscally. Men are not quite on this rise. This makes the balance of power a battle of the sexes.

We're still fighting the same battles today; the rise of the successful woman, not hurting the pride of the man. Money and power are not things to ignore in a relationship and as much as we may like to believe that love, passion, and mutual respect will conquer... but it always comes out eventually. Women today have come to accept that it's ok to go Dutch for dates and that the guy doesn't always have to pay for everything.

I had always equated talking about money as talking about religion or politics, just a subject that shouldn't be brought up at the risk of making someone uncomfortable, whether you're rich, poor, or middle class. Growing up I had friends who lived in colonials, mansions, split-levels, and trailers but as a child money can be put more to the side as an issue.

The New York Time wrote an article about the dynamics of dating when the balance of money is in favor of the woman in the relationship: Putting Money on the Table. And I think although it covers the basic issue, it doesn't provide a solution. Can your relationship survive if there is a gap in fiscal balance?

Maybe in emphasizing that it isn't the size of a man's wallet that matters, some of the urgency in being successful as a man has decreased a bit. Because it's all about personality now, right? It's easy to be stupid about money when we're busy being stupid about sex.

Title Quote from House

Chicks always go after the alpha male, they're like lions... kings of the desert...

I’m trying to find a life mate. I’d prefer if he were an Alpha Male. Of course everyone knows the term “Alpha Male” but what are we really saying? What does the prefix of a Greek letter accomplish in describing the kind of man every women wants? According to Women’s Health magazine, the Alpha Male is a truly endangered species. The good news? It’s not just you ladies! Where DID all the great guys go?

Not to knock the increasingly popular sensitive, gentle beta male, but biologically women want to find the guy who can best provide, shelter, and protect… oh yeah and have killer abs and be a beast in the sac. ;) Are we reaching for the stars? Dr. Leonard Sax, M.D. PhD. Wrote an entire book about what in our society has contributed to this, as he calls it, “arrested male development.”

It’s ironic that we can’t seem to accomplish any sense of balance regarding gender roles. Women have risen above men these days, they have a clear sense of their own femininity; we’re succeeding more at work and becoming better educated than most men. How can we start raising boys who will step up to the masculine role again? We’re evolving as a society, of course, but I’m getting pretty sick of the age of the lazy man. In the history of everything, men never had to work to achieve their standing in society.

Even these lazy guys seem to be able to get chicks; come on ladies! Solidarity! Most of us are pretty damn accomplished, Alpha women deserve Alpha men.

Check out the article here: Is the Alpha Male in Danger of Extinction?
Title quote from Employee of the Month

You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book!

I'm reading an erotic novel disguised as a vampire saga. No, I'm not reading Twilight for the 100th time, unless you're reading the unwritten unrated version, then, we might need to trade. There's something about a well-written sex scene in a book (romance, thriller, whatever...) that makes you forget all the reasons you shouldn't be having spontaneous sex with the guy behind the counter at CVS, and just go for it.
I'm not condoning random sex with drugstore workers--although you might get a discount on the condom you use--but it doesn't really support sleeping with people who might be emotionally good for you. It does remind us that spontaneity can be a huge turn-on.
The drives of ones body, to be flowery, aren't easy to ignore once you've opened that car door. Do you ever wonder why it was so easy to have such sexually sparse relationships in high school or middle school for some of you? Because kissing WAS enough, once you start giving into those feelings and realizing what kind of sparks can exist, well suddenly kissing becomes the appetizer. Granted, I'd almost always rather have 2 appetizers than 1 main course and I think most women would agree with me.
Women seem to be drawn more to the erotic novel more then say, the erotic movie, quite intellectual of us, no? This is a gross generalization and I apologize to all of you men who love a good harlequin romance and every girl who has youporn tabbed on her browser. You know who you are. But, the fact is that these novels are generally geared towards women. There is something about reading a sex scene as opposed to seeing it. This might relate to why women like foreplay so much. Sex scenes in books just ooze with foreplay, you can't see it coming (no pun intended) so the lead-up is what's exciting, like... wait for it... an appetizer! And you thought I was digressing!
There are a million sexy ways to have characters accidentally touch or kiss, plus, there's setting, intrigue, sexual tension, and generally some part of the plot that will make it so much more complicated later. It takes a skilled writer to come up with a creative way to phrase "he put it in her." Yawn. It's not even the actual sex that's exciting, it's the lead-up. No, we're not drawn to drama, just appetizing foreplay... although isn't it kind of sexy when you get both...

Hearts will Never be Practical until They are Made Unbreakable

I was in a relationship that ended badly. Of course I was, are there people in this crazy world who cannot relate to that statement? If you can’t, then I can only assume you are wasting your time reading this when you obviously should be spending your time taking samples of Planet Earth’s soil or observing our atmosphere’s weather patterns. Say hi to the mothership for me. The human condition requires that relationships be difficult. As I so often try explain to my friends, in addition to convincing myself on days when logic fails, the most wonderful things in life are often the most difficult to attain, otherwise what makes them special?

That might seem an incredibly bubblegum thing to say but think about it. The things, people, circumstances people find most desirable are those that are not the most easily attained. Not to say that there aren’t people out there whose life goal is to have a banana split with hot fudge and a cherry on top. What happens, though, when the thing you want the most is… well, something completely beyond your control, such as a date, or a husband/wife or a child? Well crap.

There are so many books, movies, magazines, articles, scientific studies, all relating to this pursuit in order to make it something everyone can have. Yet still, with all of this overzealous communication, honesty, and dissection so many of us still haven’t got a damn clue. We might even be more confused than when we started.

I’m sure most people have their own mantra when it comes to relationships. “Time heals all wounds,” “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” or “What’s meant to be will be.” I love that one. It evokes the image of an omnipotent being gazing over the filing cabinet of humanity and randomly color coding our files, “will marry, will divorce, will have cats, will attract losers, will divorce, will be single…” Is it all really that much out of our hands? Everyone who claims to be in a successful relationship will often recount their first meeting story with a note of how lucky they were to find each other. Something you often want to have in writing if the relationship fails.

What’s one more blog in cyberspace dissecting the randomness of love, marriage, and sex? Oh wait I’m sorry this is 2009… soo… sex, procreation, and divorce. Am I that cynical? I don’t think I’m grown-up enough yet, but someday maybe. I haven’t quite gotten stuck to the bottom of Life’s shoe yet.

Title Quote from The Wizard of Oz